This generation sleeps

I feel little. I'm a big girl, age and size included. And yet I feel incredibly tiny.

As I sit and watch the Narmada Bachao Andolan drama unfold on TV I feel confused. I listen to opinions carefully, trying desperately to find someone I can side with so I too have an opinion.

Arundhati Roy has intelligent eyes, maybe I should just believe her and be in favour of the NBA.

But what about the country's progress and the amount of electricity this dam is going to generate? The government cannot be that stupid; they must have a point if they're pushing for that dam so much.

What if I come off looking like Aamir Khan? Him ,I don't believe. Why is he so interested in the NBA all of a sudden? Is he planning to enter politics? Maybe he's just garnering some good publicity for himself.

I should form my own educated opinion. I scour the net for information...there's a lot of it. Who do I believe?

I don't have to go on television and tell the world where I stand. Today my only audience is me and it's not impressed. Sitting before this audience is a confused person who spends way too much time on herself. There are things that are greater than me and I don't seem to notice. I've never even voted. I prefer to bury my head in the sand and think about what I'll wear to the party this weekend.

I feel terribly little.

Saturday Morning

So last night I discovered I really like the song Roobaroo. It was somewhere between several vodkas and a remixed version of Don’t Cha (enough with that song already!) that I hear “Aye Saala!”

For the next 4 or 5 minutes I found myself singing along without really knowing the words and feeling young and hopeful again. It was as if I were 17 and idealistic and had a future before me that could be anything I wanted it to be. I had dreams, I had pride in being an Indian and I had the drive to make it happen.

I had a terrible hangover this morning. And I wasn’t 17 anymore. I was a 27 year old with loan repayments, tax filing and groceries to buy. Gone were any illusions of idealism or dreams that extended beyond me and my loved ones. Being Indian was now a matter of fact rather than pride.

The funny thing is that I never really went through any nationalistic awakening when I was 17. Growing up in an upscale neighbourhood in Bangalore meant an insular life where happenings around the world meant nothing. Life was about college, doing well so I may get a good job or go abroad to study further. Life was about parties, what to wear, whom to go with and getting extensions on curfews. It was about looking good, being popular, taking your CAT or GMAT and catching up on gossip. The state of the country meant zip. Current affairs knowledge was kept updated for any B school admission interviews that might come about and that’s where its purpose ended.

Maybe every generation needs a cause and mine didn’t have one. Maybe it did but I certainly didn’t care.

Today I know that we live in a country where murderers will go scot-free and politicians will just get richer and greedier. As for me, I choose to live with my blinders on because that works well with my pragmatic attitude towards life.

My only regret? Somewhere I know I’ve missed a huge part of growing up. I know things are hopeless without ever having felt hopeful. I’m a cynic without ever having been a dreamer.

Schizophrenia

sometimes a girl just needs more space to live comfortably.
so this is my new space to explore my multiple personalities.
i'm curious to see what i come out with. :-)